America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked. ~ David Letterman- When the white missionaries came to Africa , they had the Bible and we had the land. They said, ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes.
- When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land. ~ Desmond Tutu
- Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. ~ Betsy Salkind
- The only reason that they say, ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats. ~ Jean Kerr
I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit! I’m a billionaire. ~ Howard Hughes- When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. ~ Prince Philip
- A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. ~ Emo Philips.
- Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. ~ Harrison Ford
- Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke. ~ Robin Hall
- Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror. ~ Jean Rostand.
I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor- Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
- We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. ~ W.H. Auden
- If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. ~ Johnny Carson
- Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. ~ Steve Martin
- Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. ~ Jimmy Durante
- America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. ~ Doug Hamwell
- The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. ~ George Roberts
If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport. ~ Jonathan Winters- I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchley
- After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. ~ Italian proverb
- As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. ~ John Glenn
- If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat? ~ Steven Wright
