- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
- There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
- Life is sexually transmitted.
- Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
- Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
- In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out’?
- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
- Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
- If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
- Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
- Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
- Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?