The Heterosexual Questionnaire –

This questionnaire is for self-avowed heterosexuals only. If you are not openly heterosexual, pass it on to a friend who is. Please try to answer the questions as candidly as possible. Your responses may be held in strict confidence and your anonymity fully protected.

What do you think caused your heterosexuality?
When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?
Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?
Could it be that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?
If you’ve never slept with a person of the same sex, how can you be sure you wouldn’t prefer that?
To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?
Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into their lifestyle?
Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can’t you just be what you are and keep it quiet?
Would you want your children to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they’d face?
A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual men. Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual male teachers, pediatricians, priests, or scoutmasters?
With all the societal support for marriage, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?
Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?
Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?
Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don’t you fear s/he might be inclined to influence you in the direction of her/his own leanings?
Heterosexuals are notorious for assigning themselves and one another rigid, stereotyped sex roles. Why must you cling to such unhealthy role-playing?
With the sexually segregated living conditions of military life, isn’t heterosexuality incompatible with military service?
How can you enjoy an emotionally fulfilling experience with a person of the other sex when there are such vast differences between you? How can a man know what pleases a woman sexually or vice-versa?
Shouldn’t you ask your far-out straight cohorts, like skinheads and born-agains, to keep quiet? Wouldn’t that improve your image?
Why are heterosexuals so promiscuous?
Why do you attribute heterosexuality to so many famous lesbian and gay people? Is it to justify your own heterosexuality?
How can you hope to actualize your God-given homosexual potential if you limit yourself to exclusive, compulsive heterosexuality?
There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. After all, you never deliberately chose to be a heterosexual, did you? Have you considered aversion therapy or Heterosexuals Anonymous?