Peter Cane – My Dad
Perhaps as long ago as forty, maybe fifty years ago, my dad told a version of the story below. I have to admit, I did not retain the memory of each of his words but I’m pretty sure the gist of it is retained in my recanting of the story below. My telling of tales is definitely an outgrowth of my Dad’s talent and my memory.
It is recounted here today because a friend of ours from Granville Ohio simply sent an email to her friends with several one-liners such as “My wife and I had words, but I didn’t get to use mine. ” and “I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.” Anyway, I digress, something I am guilty of from time to time.
It was not the one-liners that triggered a distant memory but the title or subject of her email which I will disclose at the end of this posting.
Finally to the tale.
I heard my Dad utter many of the words below. Perhaps I am guilty of embellishing a little but that is solely for the readers enjoyment.
At a friends wedding, a thin well dressed man entered the back of the church. He did seem a little unusual but it was not easy to determine why. Only a handful of people noticed him and as he gazed around he became increasingly nervous as he furtively looked around the church pew by pew seemingly studying each person carefully. His eyes would momentarily rest as he seemed to memorize the location of each beautiful woman in the congregation. Some beads of perspiration were congregating on his brow.
He moved slowly behind one of the columns at the rear of the church as if trying not to be noticed. He did seem more than interested in the flow of the service and was listening to every word.
Just at the moment when the groom was to place the ring on the bride’s finger the stranger dashed up the aisle and ran to the altar and stopped in front of the bride. Men were starting to move to protect her when. He suddenly seemed peaceful and gazed into her eyes and it was clear that these two people knew each other and the men in the congregation relaxed and stood down.
Suddenly, without a word, he reached out and grabbed the bride’s boobs, a huge smile appeared on her face and she was clearly laughing out loud. She could not be heard over the rising roar of the congregation as the intruder ran down the aisle and on his way, he looked left and right and as the opportunity arose he grabbed the boobs of perhaps a dozen women and he then escaped out the rear of the church running like the wind. None of the congregation was quick enough to catch him.
The wedding finally resumed and Mr. and Mrs. Huckleton left the church is a 1953 Packard. It was quite a sight.
At the reception a few hours later, the bride’s mother, who had planned the event with her daughter was being quizzed about the guy who ran through the church grabbing boobs. Fran Brady, the bride’s mom explained that this was all planned. Her friends were aghast!
She went on to tell them that she had met Emily Post years ago and Ms. Post had shared her story of a wedding a long time ago that seemed perfectly planned.
A friend interjected “What about the guy that grabbed all the boobs? He squeezed mine a little too hard.”
Fran smiled and said “Oh yes, that was planned.” She went on to say, “In the story that Ms. Post shared with me, she explained that when the groom was sliding the ring on the bride’s finger, that a nervous titter ran through the congregation!”
Oh yes, the subject of Jane’s email was “A Few Titters”